Saturday, December 1, 2012


Real quick I want to get one thing straight.

I love Chick-Fil-A.
I love the people.
I love that it made me develop a work ethic sort of.
I love that it motivates me.
I love that it's pretty much the only place where I don't feel like a constant failure.
I love the food.
I love that it always strives to be more.
I love that it brings out my competitive nature.
I love that it makes me want to be better.
I love that even on crappy days, there is always at least one good story that came from it.

Now that that's all cleared up, I feel like I am free to rant about it as much as I want without anyone feeling like I am full out bashing. Because Chick-Fil-A is like that family member that you can complain about constantly but at the end of the day, they're still family and you still love them to death. It's pretty much exactly like that, actually.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Things Not To Do as a Chick-Fil-A Guest

Because I like to think that not everyone in the world wants to make people hate them, I have compiled a list of things you should not do in a Chick-Fil-A drive-thru in order to keep CFA Team Members from hating you. This list is arranged in no particular order of significance, and is not limited to the below points. I will probably continue this list throughout the rest of my blog posts from now on and forever more, because I'm almost positive that people do increasingly more stupid and annoying things as time continues.

#1: Being greedy. 
Let's get one thing straight: you will never need ten sauces for four nuggets. You don't even need ten sauces for 24 nuggets. I know CFA sauce is good and you want to go home and put it on all of your sandwiches and pizza and oxygen, but we do sell 8 ounces of the stuff for a reason. 

#2: Ridiculous requests.
"Can I get my side salad with no tomatoes?" 
"No, actually. No you cannot. Do you want to know why? Because we prep side salads ahead of time, and when someone makes a special request we have to make a brand new one. Do you know that we put one or two cherry tomatoes on our side salads? Do you know that they are small and round and contained enough that they don't spread contaminating tomato-dust onto anything they touch? Do you know that you have fingers that work just as well as our kitchen staff's? Do you know how easy it is to pick up that (those) tomato(es) all by yourself? You don't even have to find a trash can, you can actually throw it out your window. I'm pretty sure it's not littering when you're tossing something that grows on the earth anyway. And look, your window is already open! You don't even have to go to the work of pressing a button to get rid of those nasty little things. Unless you have an abnormal and extreme allergy and any form of slight contact with itty bitty tomatoes is life threatening to you, I think you can handle this one yourself."
In a perfect world, that would be my answer to that question.

#3: Not using your ears.
When I ask, "What would you like to drink?" There are many proper responses, but one of them is not "Yes."

#4: Not knowing the difference between a meal and an entree.
In case anyone is confused, a meal comes with a side and a drink. An entree does not. So when you say, "I want a number one meal with no drink," you actually just sound uneducated and obnoxious. However, I would prefer you saying something like that to saying, "I want five sandwiches just the entrees, and two fries and a cole slaw and two fruit cups... and five cokes." Because you know what just happened? I just rang up all those entrees and sides by themselves like you told me to, and now because of those cokes I have to cancel everything, hack into my super-mind that can memorize everything you just said, and re-ring every single thing. While being very angry.

#5: Asking for your shake in a bag.
"Wait, what? That actually happens?" Yes, yes it does. And don't bother trying to come up with a good reason as to why anyone would desire their shake in a bag, because I have tried and there is no logical answer. They always fall back on the same thing... "It's easier to carry." But, um... I don't really think that's true. I'm fairly certain you can wrap your hand around a cup just as easily as you can carry a bag. Both options take one hand and no brains. But one is normal, and one creates an irritating and difficult situation and then probably causes you to spill something. I'll let you figure out which is which.

#6: Having a car full of annoying friends.
If I can't get mad at you for having 48094238902347 friends piled into your car screaming and laughing and yelling "LOL OHMYGAWD," then you can't get mad at me for setting your house on fire in the middle of the night... slash, not understanding your order at all.

#7: Coming in at 9:59pm:
Or anytime after 9:45ish.

#8: Changing your drink mid-order:
When you start saying things like, "I want a number one with a doctor pepper," here's what happens: I hit a couple buttons and then make a doctor pepper. Then I pat myself on the back for being nice and efficient. But OH WAIT, efficiency means nothing when you have a fickle guest. "Actually, can I have a sweet tea instead of a doctor pepper?" I'll say "Absolutely" but in my head I'm strangling you, because now what am I supposed to do with this mother trucking doctor pepper?

#9: Being slow.
I know you have 12 kids and that's really cool, but it's a lot cooler when you don't sit at the window after I give you your massive order and hand out each meal individually to your entire family before driving away. I also love it when you don't take five years counting out seven dollars in change whilst at the window. It's called planning ahead, people.

#10: Thinking that my arms are 15 feet long.
If I had to estimate, I'd say they are around three feet long, probably less. So when you park a mile away from the window and expect me to hand you your food, you'll understand when I crunch it all up and throw it like a football instead.

#11: Cell phones.
It's fine if you want to talk on your cell phone instead of listening to me repeating your order. It's especially fine when I charge you for the wrong thing because you weren't listening. It's even more fine when you get pissed at me because you weren't listening.

#12: Forgetting where you are.
If you ask me for "McNuggets" or "Arby's Sauce," I will assume you are mentally handicapped and/or tell you to go get your seeing eye dog before coming back. Probably not. But I'll dream about it every night until people start being more aware of their surroundings.

#13: "Can I add five shakes to that?"

#14: Polynesian sauce.
It's pronounced like pol-ee-nee-shen. Not polyester sauce, asian sauce, polynaise sauce, pedestrian sauce, and most certainly not pomeranian sauce.

End scene.

Saturday, November 17, 2012


First and foremost, let's get one thing straight: Chick-Fil-A is a cult. It sucks you in and takes over your life, that's just the way it is. It's a real world under-toe for the competitive-natured. They start you off small, but make promises that if you do well, you'll be moving up in no time. As a new hiree, you hear about the top-notch team members; the "cream of the crop." The elite. The feared. The ones who make more money than you do. They are the drive-thru team, and you can only reach their level of expertise with months of hard work and dedication. With that incentive in mind, if you at all value pride and competition you won't leave CFA for at least several months. Then, once you finally reach drive-thru, it doesn't end there. They continually place more goals and incentives in front of you, like a man dangling a steak in front of a dog on a treadmill. Sometimes all it even has to come down to is that if you're in drive-thru, you're as competitive as all get out and that's enough to keep you there just because--love your coworkers as you will--you still want to be better than all of them.

Chick-Fil-A even has its own cult-language. And if this was still the 18th century, stepping outside the bounds of that language would get you beheaded. I'm even going out on a limb with the title of this blog, seeing how CFA doesn't have "Employees." It has "Team Members." And we certainly don't have "customers," we have "guests." And heaven forbid you ever ask a guest if they want "anything else," no, you better be asking them "what else you can get for them" from the bottom of your servant's heart or else risk forever turning them away from your business due to feeling rushed rather than welcomed. But above all of these and more, no words at CFA could ever condemn you more than these two: "You're welcome." I heard about a kid who didn't say "My pleasure" one time... and then I never heard about him again.

Like any good cult, we also have our own form of initiation. When I was new, once I got fooled into trying to mop the freezer, I knew I was in. Then once you graduate to an established team member, you can start initiating the noobs. Lately, initiations have included things like FIFOing the ice bin, searching for the "squeejee sharpener," taking inventory of each individual sauce, or--my personal favorite--FIFOing the AIR in the walk-in refrigerator. Anything that leaves one person humiliated and the other person with a sense of victory counts as initiation... at least I think that's how it works.

Overall, Chick-Fil-A will change your life. For better or for worse, I'm not sure, but it will own your life and change it forever, that much you can count on. The way I know they have got me wrapped around their finger is because I could complain about the place forever, but at the end of the day I still love my job... whether I've been brainwashed to love it or not.